Monday Morning Grandma--Miscarriages and Stillbirths

I have had 3 miscarriages and 1 stillbirth. My advice today is for anyone who knows someone going through that type of experience: It’s hard to know what to say, and each experience is individual, but there are some things other people need to understand. “I’m sorry” is never wrong. Bringing up everyone you have ever known that has gone through that experience isn’t always helpful. If you have experienced it yourself, and feel letting them know and telling them you are willing to talk with them will be the right thing. A few such stories will let them know they aren’t alone. Too many, and it becomes overwhelming.

Most important, don’t ever say, “You can always have another one.” They know that. Let them know it’s okay to cry even if they’re only a few weeks along. Realize that seeing babies might be difficult for them.

I had a wonderful, understanding roommate in the maternity ward when I had my stillbirth, Susie. My roommate knew why I turned my back when the baby was brought to her. She also helped me the times when I did look. I even came to her bedside and admired the tiny girl, but it was on my terms. (That was in the late 60’s and we had roommates, and stayed in the hospital 3 days, and babies were brought every 4 hours.)

If you’re the one going through that experience, steel yourself, and look at and hold babies in your own timeline. Know that you’re not alone, and you have the right to grieve. Don’t dwell for an extended time, but it’s okay to be sad.